


The Konan and the Pein

by orphan_account



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Don't Examine This Too Closely, F/M, Gen, Humor, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2008-05-26
Updated: 2008-05-26
Packaged: 2017-11-16 02:31:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/534499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pein and Konan's quest to TRY AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD. Well, they're attempting to anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Gee, Pein. What do you want to do tonight?"

" Same thing we do every night, Konan. Try to take over the world!"

_The Konan and the Pein. The Konan and the Pein. One is the leader, the other's a dame. To prove their evil worth, they'll overthrow the earth. The Konan, the Konan and the Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein, Peeeein!_

"For the love of Jashin, just start tha fuckin fic already," said Hidan, in all his gangsta glory, and who is the author to argue? After all, she is simply a captive of Madara Uchiha, who has her writing the day and the life of the most badass organization on the planet. According to me that is, the writer of this memo, fanfic… thing, but that's not the point. The point is you are now going to read an Akatsuki fic, so I had better STFU before I get my sorry ass killed here.

It all started when Pein decided that he hated the world the way it was. It was run by a bunch of dumbasses and hicks, and in the future would be run by a boy with the catch phrase "BELIEVE IT!" Pein was too good to believe it. That's right, he's just that cool. Did I mention that he hates the world? Yah? GOOD! Don't we all.

Anyway, as Pein sat in his secret layer pondering his ponderings on destruction bringing peace, he had a brilliant idea! You see, he was short a lot of members from a full-blown organization. He and his girlfriend who gave him back rubs and heart-shaped paper just wasn't going to cut it. They didn't have any style, any pizzazz, any… ANYTHING YET DANGIT. It made him kinda mad, but hey? Being mad was a big waste of time. The only way to fix his little problem was to get off his ass and find himself some bitches, err, members.

"Konan, THE Madara Uchiha gave us the right to an evil organization," said Pein, thrumming his jet black nails against his oak arm rest. He was bored, testy, and more than a little bitchy. His normally calm and collected demeanor twitched and he was just so ready to go out there and… and… and RULE THE WORLD. The one that he wanted, with no wars and no unnecessary deaths; it's kinda weird that he wants to end war WITH war, but what can I say. Ultimate bad guys of doom are not exactly renowned for their common sense. Neither is Sasuke Uchiha, but let's not go there.

"He certainly did," said Konan, rubbing her man's feet with a face straight and stoic. She would do anything for Pein, foot rubs, back rubs, ass rubs (hohoho), if it meant ensuring that he were hers and only hers, which he was. He was a genius in her opinion, smexilicious, and damn was he good in bed. It was everything a world leader needed to be, really. He was, however, not a world leader yet. What the shit, I know. I feel ya Konan, I really do.

"So that means we need members," said Pein, going down a list of awesome douche bags in Bingo Books of various countries. He checked in red sharpie next to the names most worthy of what would be known as… Team Pein? No. FEIL THE PEIN? Nopers. He supposed the Ginyu Force, Team Rocket, and Sailor Scouts were all out of the question due to copyright infringement. OH WELL. The naming would have to happen later. He needed members now.

"So far, on my list of worthy candidates I have," murmured Pein, chewing on the ass of his sharpie pen. "Ah yes, Sephiroth, Bowser, Chuck Norris, Voldemort, Sweeny Todd, Your Mom, Oprah Winfrey, and Hanna Montana." He chewed on the ass of his sharpie pen some more and grinned. "Why yes, I think this team would make the perfect entity of evil, don't you?"

Konan frowned, sweat-dropped, and yanked Pein's master list out of his hand. First of all, only she, the dame, could be The Girl on this team. Granted she approved of androgynous males profusely (she was a closet yaoi fangirl) she simply could not allow other chicks to cramp her style, thus the last three were so out. It was hard enough to capture Jinchuuriki without a maniac who would want to bake them in a pie, she wasn't into snake guys, Chuck Norris would try to steal the organization from them, Bowser was… a moron, and Sephiroth? She wouldn't tap that crazy mofo with a ten foot paper pole, no matter how smexy he is.

She went through and made some minor adjustments. You see, that's another reason why she existed. Pein had the power of God, the balls to rule the world, and was a gifted genius in many ways. He wasn't a very good analyst, though, and Konan was there to make up for and hide what little he lacked in brains. She wasn't just another pretty face, you know, though she certainly was that.

When she was done, she read the names of the members Pein really needed to seek.

"Itachi Uchiha, ex-Konohagakure nin. Madara has been working on this boy, actually. Possesses a powerful blood-line limit known as the Sharingan, and he has recently killed his entire clan," said Konan, so not drooling over how hot he was, though she kinda was. Oh well, she had her right to a freebie. After all, Pein was going to invite no less than THREE EFFING WOMEN into the organization, especially that Your Mom slut. She would drool over precious jail bait all she wanted.

"If Madara says he's in, he's in," said Pein, just like that. Figures, but for a leader of an evil organization to be that cool with something? He was just a little too trusting, but Konan suspected that that was because his intentions were too pure. You see, Akatsuki are the real heroes in the Naruto-verse, they're just drawn evil.

"Kisame Hoshigaki, ex-Kirigakure nin. He has a big sword that… shaves? That's a big damn sword."

"I approve of big damn swords. He's in." Pein was so easy to please. It was another thing Konan liked so much about him. Either that, or she knew just which buttons of his to push, if you catch my drift. In this case she agreed with his immediate assessment. She would track down and recruit this Kisame immediately, once she was done finding more good bitches for Pein to boss around.

"Zetsu, origin unknown. He, err, eats dead people? And babies? I don't know about that one… " Clearly she didn't, because her face suddenly became quite pasty, and that's saying something for a girl who can turn her skin into paper, man.

"He can dispose of bodies we don't want found. I'm all for it." And then came Konan's sweat drop once more. Either Pein's brain processed and came up with a master decision in the blink of an eye, or he was just too darn lazy to consider all pros and cons. Either way, it made Konan's job harder. The decisions they made ultimately ended up being hers anyway, but his word was the important one. He was, after all, Leader-sama.

"Sasori of Red Sands, ex-Sunagakure nin. Turns human bodies into puppets, master of poisons… " kinda cute, but then again Konan did have a thing for red heads. Well, that was the second oglable to ticky. If all the guys she encouraged Pein to recruit were as hot as him and Itachi, she'd be in a lot of trouble. But anyway.

"In."

"How is it that you agree so easily to all this?" Konan finally had to ask.

"Because we need members now," said Pein. "And I mean NOW. Please go find them and recruit them at once."

"Yes, Pein." So Konan formed her beautiful paper wings together and fluttered off into the sunrise.

Then it hit Pein, yes!

"I shall call us Akatsuki," he said.

Made sense. After all, once they were finished the world would rise to a newer, brighter day.

MWAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAZHAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHAH!!1!!

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"Kukukukuku, Itachi Uchiha, perhaps your young mind is too feeble to grasp what a formidable force we'd become if we were one," said Orochimaru, following Itachi around like a dog in heat, tongue hanging out and drooling and all. You know, not that Itachi would take the guy seriously anyway, because he's just smart like that. The fact that Orochimaru clearly wanted to mount some ass on top of "taking Itachi's body into his own" had the normally composed Uchiha ready to run the fuck away, or kill a dood, whichever he felt like doing the most. After taking out his clan, though, Itachi was all killed out.

It didn't help that Orochimaru had been spying on Madara, knew everything about him and the evil organization he was going to hide under, and stuff. You see, when he was a child Orochimaru never fit in. Joining Madara's cronies was a good way to start making friends, being invited to all the field trips and slumber parties like he had always wanted to. Now was his chance, and he knew what made Madara tick to tip the scales in his favor.

"Kukuku, did you know that Madara lieks Mudkips?" said Orochimaru, holding a muddy Mudkip captive in his cloak. He held a kunai to the poor, defenseless pokemon's throat. Now, Itachi didn't much care for Mudkips, being more of a Torchic fan himself. What he did care about was what Madara would do to him if he allowed Orochimaru to escape his grasp, and then gab his whereabouts and all his secrets to the world. Along with Madara's Mudkip, Orochimaru also stole his diary, and all of his chewing gum, and he wouldn't get it back until he fit in.

Itachi also had Madara's permission to kill Orochimaru, granted the Mudkip was nowhere in the vicinity. As in, Orochimaru could not use Mudkip as a shield, and Mudkip couldn't even watch Itachi brutally murder him. In short, Itachi was fucked to suffer a long, painful trek through the desert with Orochimaru drooling over his thirteen year old ass. Fucking cradle robber. Itachi wanted to kill SOFUCKINGBAD that he would cry, that was, if Itachi cried, which he sho' as hell did NOT.

"Mud?" squeaked the pokemon, biting Orochimaru as hard as he could and running up to Itachi. Well, that would just have to do for now. While Orochimaru suffered a bitch of a bite wound, and dehydration from all the pedoey droolage, Itachi got a little water gun shower and cooled off. Life was good for all of seventeen seconds, and then he saw an ominous shadow in the sky. It looked kinda like an angel, an angel of DETH. He would already pay for his sins for killing the clan? He thought Orochimaru was punishment enough, but nooo.

It wasn't Itachi's fault his father wouldn't let him have a Torchic. What's worse, he was going to sell off Sasuke's little body to pedoclowns since the clan was low on funds, and thus not as cool as the Hyuga clan. To protect the brother that only he could molest, well, assuming he were sick like that, which he just might be, I dunno. Anyway, Sasuke was important to Itachi for evil reasons, so Sasuke had to liiive, and be fangirled for his hotness until turned gay, and most of all he could NOT LACK HATRED, or Itachi would do bad things to him, like make him listen to the Barney song for seventy-two hours. That would make Sasuke-chan shit his pants and cry like a girl. You know it's true.

The angel from the sky landed, and Itachi was all "lol wut" and Orochimaru was like "MY LEG!" when his hand was what hurt dang it. Konan was not pleased to see Orochimaru here, because he was a snake man, and she did not like snake men. She didn't like snakes. They were gross and creepy, just like spiders, two-headed drag queens, and silver-haired fanboys. Somehow, Orochimaru reeked "All of the Above."

"Go away, Orochimaru. I have business with the boy," said Konan, arms crossed and ready to use a paper cut of death no jutsu if need be. She would summon a dog for the sole purpose on peeing on each of his thousands of paper cuts.

"I can't let you do that, Konan. For you see, I have staked my claim on this luscious vessel kukuku."

Well, this couldn't end well, could it?

CHAPTER ENDS HERE


	2. Chapter 2

"WELCOME TO KARAOKE NIGHT! TIA WILL SING A BEAUTIFUL SONG FOR YOU ALL NOW!"

_"I'm a Jashin Girl, In a Jashin World. Evil worship, It's the Shiznit! You can suck my dick, And swallow til you're sick. Eternal life, I just killed your wife."_

"FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR SINGING. AND FUCK YOU FOR DEFILING MY RELIGION WITH YOUR SINGING!" said Hidan, and I ran the fuck away before he could kill me with his awesome scythe. After all, I still have to write more of the story. From last we left off Pein and Konan were compiling a list of awesometastic recruits for their new evil organization of evilness, Akatsuki! So far they have achieved nothing, but Konan is in the valiant process of weaseling Itachi out of the wicked Orochimaru's grasp so the clan-killing and dead smexy Uchiha can join the Akatsuki.

"Go away, Orochimaru. I have business with the boy," said Konan, arms crossed and ready to use a paper cut of death no jutsu if need be. She would summon a dog for the sole purpose on peeing on each of his thousands of paper cuts.

"I can't let you do that, Konan. For you see, I have staked my claim on this luscious vessel kukuku."

"Wait, don't I get a say in this?" said Itachi, to which Konan and Orochimaru pointedly shouted "NO!" Alrighty then. Itachi didn't really know what was going on anyway, so he kind of weaseled off on his own while protecting Mudkip from the sun's harsh rays. Come to think of him, Torchic would have done him no good in a desert situation. Maybe he lieked Mudkips after all.

Konan and Orochimaru followed him, arguing the fate of the Uchiha. He kind of tuned out Orochimaru since his trip consisted of that nasty man telling him what he wanted to do with his body. Konan, however, had a more interesting proposition. Madara Uchiha was the secret founder of the Akatsuki, a brand new evil organization hell bent on TAKING OVER THE WORLD and cancelling the Disney Channel. FOREVER. They also had muffins, ping pong, nail polish, cereal box decoder rings, ten in all, and a Jacuzzi. How an organization in the developmental stages could afford all that was beyond him, and Itachi was no fool. He did not lack hatred, after all. He hated muffins (except for bran muffins), ping pong, and cereal box decoder rings. The only thing he lieked was Mudkip, and the mental image of Orochimaru's good and dead body. The only thing he loved was Sasuke, but Sasuke was on his own now. It was the only way he could grow in strength and awesomeness.

Because Itachi was an empty entity of nothingness and he was almighty and free to do whatever the fuck he wanted, he decided to agree with Konan's proposition. "I'll join Akatsuki," he said to Konan in the middle of hers and Orochimaru's heated argument. Both of them stopped, blinked, and Itachi turned and faced Konan. "On the condition that you make him go away. And if he molests my little brother, he'd dead."

"You have a little brother?" said Orochimaru, evilly giggling it up some more. "So nice to know that there's a back up in case things don't work out between us."

"FUCK OFF," said Konan, punching Orochimaru in the head. Normally she was calm and composed, and almost kind enough that you would question her heart in the evil world. She did, however, have a supreme dislike of pedophiles. It was one thing to find Itachi hot, which he was. It was an entirely different thing to be after his body. Pedophilia ranked among the few evil things that was just too evil for Akatsuki. "GRANTED. You can't join us, Orochimaru. Go somewhere else to get your jollies."

Of course, recruiting one of the legendary Sannin could do wonders for Pein, and she knew it. Pein had said that they needed members so, bah fuckitall. Itachi was more important, and Konan just plain hated Orochimaru. If Orochimaru insisted on coming with then she couldn't refuse, thus giving up Itachi. Pein would be so angry. And… fugly snake men, nuuuu. SHE HATED SNAKE MEN LIKE A LOT.

"I believe I can, kukuku," said Orochimaru. From his cloak he pulled a copy of a book titled "Madara's Diary". Well, that certainly sucks. She could pretty much kiss Itachi goodbye. Importance one, Protect the founder and all his dirty secrets. Importance two, recruit members. Her first attempt at recruiting a remotely desirable member has failed. Or has it?

"Itachi," she said, cringing and wanting very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, VERY much to harm Orochimaru, but she simply wasn't powerful enough. Maybe Pein was, but he wouldn't kill a Sannin. Too valuable. Besides, Madara's Mudkip was in the vicinity. She knew the rules better than any of them. That's why she did the recruiting. She was also a damn good negotiator. "He has to come, my apologies.

Don't tell Pein I said this," she whispered into his ear. "But you have my permission to kill him first chance you get. I hate snake men."

Itachi took a moment to weigh the odds. Join Akatsuki and increase the chances of him living just to be killed by his adorable little brother? Don't join Akatsuki, live a boring and solitary life wrought of boring nothingness. And probably end up getting caught and killed should he somehow encounter a natural counter to the Mangekyou Sharingan. Sasuke absolutely had to be the one to kill him. He chose his destiny, and that's how it was going to be, even if enduring Orochimaru would be a pain in every existing ass in the universe… perhaps literally.

"Very well. You obviously don't lack hatred, Konan-san. And I'll only eat bran muffins, and refuse to share a room with anyone I don't approve of," said Itachi. The Mudkip in his arms 'Kip'd' happily. Konan wrapped her arms around his torso, formed her large paper wings, and took off to the sky with Itachi. She would protect this boy from anymore Orochimaru torment.

"Just because you're in doesn't mean you're getting a ride," said Konan, and if she could she would have flipped Orochimaru off. Her next stop was the mountains, where rumor had it that Kisame was hanging out with a bunch of felons and douche bags. He shouldn't be too hard to recruit, and heck, maybe even Itachi would approve of him. Speaking of which, Itachi was really heavy. What did these Uchihas eat, damn! He sure smelled good, though, and his hair was a lot nicer than hers, she'd have to ask for pointers.

"What kind of shampoo do you use, Itachi-san?" asked Konan. The flight would take awhile, might as well make conversation.

"Tanpene, for hair so shiny it blinds the unsuspecting with its radiance," said Itachi. "Supposedly, anyway. I have yet to blind anyone. I'm not blinding you, right? That would be bad."

She was surprised Itachi said so much. He was renowned for being the strong, silent type. Maybe he appreciated beauty. Konan wanted a team full of men who could appreciate beauty. That way she could relate to all of them whilst continuing to be the One Girl. That would be so awesome, just as long as they weren't two-headed drag queens, then she'd kill a dood. Obviously her polar opposite in this world was Orochimaru.

"You're not blinding me. What's your favorite color, Itachi?"

"Purple," said Itachi without much hesitation. "My parents despised my love of the color purple, and said I could only like red, black, or white. You know, Uchiha colors."

"I'm sure Madara would approve of the color purple. He does like strange things," said Konan, looking down at the ugly pokemon in Itachi's arms. Indeeders, VERY strange things.

"Madara's the only other Uchiha besides myself who likes bran muffins and world domination, but hates ping pong, string cheese, and leaves," he said. That would explain why he killed the Uchiha clan of the LEAF village. Baaaw, Itachi was so cute when he talked. Konan would huggle him into her boobs if she wasn't sort of already doing so.

After awhile of boring silence to follow they reached the mountains where Kisame Hoshigaki currently was, without his band of douche bags today. The fish man killed a gigantic monster… thing and gave it to a bunch of fish-people orphans. He even shaved out the intestines for them. "I won't cook it for you, though. You're on your own now, brats." And that was that. He was kind in a mean way, and mean in a kind way. Akatsuki was an organization meant for people like that. Unlike snake men, fish men didn't bother Konan at all. They were blue, just like her hair. She liked the color blue, and she liked giant swords. He was so in.

She swooped down upon the beaten path he walked, placing Itachi down much to her relief. He leaned his wrapped, bloodied sword against his shoulder like he was hot shit, which was a good attitude to have she must say. If she were into fish men she'd probably find Kisame sexy. She certainly liked his attitude, and he was staring at them with the intent to kill. Cautious, too. Me oh my.

"Kisame Hoshigaki," said Konan, stepping forward just as he stopped. Her arms rested at her sides, not at all with the intention to fight. If he swung that sword she'd have plenty of time to paper clone it on out of his path, so it was all good. "I see your talents are wasted here."

"Yeah, what of it, toots?" said Kisame, smirking big and smug. He wasn't in an offensive stance either, but that sword bouncing up and down his shoulder was a bit unnerving, even if she could dodge it.

"Don't call me toots!" said Konan, deciding he may have been just a little too bold. "Do I look like a hussy to you?"

"Just what are you supposed to look like to me, anyway? I've seen you approaching from the skies. Come to purge me of my sins Ms. Angel of Deth?"

"That was my initial thought as well," said Itachi, bringing himself into the conversation. This man, the fish man, was someone Itachi already appreciated. By default he was a water nin, complimenting his fire. He was outspoken, if a little smug. Itachi couldn't say that he was unfamiliar with the smug type. Just look at who his former family was! Not to mention they thought alike. "Kisame, was it?"

"Oh, hey, a droopy pretty-boy and… " Kisame's eyes lit up, and Konan believed that if he were capable he would have squealed like a chick. "Is that a Mudkip??"

"Indeed," said Itachi. The Mudkip in his arms "Mudkipped" and licked Kisame's hand when he reached out to pet him. Seems Madara's not the only one who lieks Mudkips.

"Ahem, yes, well," said Konan. She was a little disturbed to see someone in the world more enamored with that Mudkip than Madara. In any case she was running on a tight schedule, and after breathing in the scent of Itachi's hair so long she had the desire to go buy some Tanpene, get in a shower with Pein, and wash his hair with it. Among other things, ohohohohohoho!

"Kisame Hoshigaki, join our organization," said Itachi. Konan was going to scream "hey that's my line!" but Itachi was obviously better at negotiating at the fish boy more than she was. She couldn't get over the fact that he called her toots. Were all the stupid men in the world trying to piss her off today or what?? Anyway, Itachi continued on when he had Kisame's attention, "This Mudkip is under my protection. Join me, and it will be doubly protected from the likes of Orochimaru. By the way, Orochimaru is a sick old man. Your sword would be useful in my objective to have him killed if he messes with my little brother."

"Tempting, but what's in it for me?" said Kisame. It would take more than a cute little Mudkip to win him over. He was, after all, an entity of awesomeness. He needed to walk no less than the perfect road.

"A chance to take over the world? Free muffins, decoder rings, and a chance to use that sword of yours for useful things."

"Useful things? I'm in!" said Kisame, and down went Konan's jaw. She didn't think it'd be that easy. Seems he wasn't getting much work these days if he was feeding orphans for the price of a place to hide out for a few days. Itachi obviously hit all the right chords in him. Well, then. Two recruits in one day, and the mountains were fairly close to the hideout, so they could all walk back. It wouldn't take anymore than a day. She was horny for Pein, too, especially when surround by one thirteen year old, and one fish man, neither of which she could release her frustrations on. Damn it.

She would recruit some more the next day. For now she needed a rest.

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When she arrived back at the lair with her recruits, she introduced them to Pein sitting in his pimp chair while he was smoking weed. Smoking weed was one criminal thing Konan very much endorsed, unlike pedophilia and kicking puppies. Kicking kittens is where it's at!

"And you recruited Orochimaru as well, my dear," said Pein, smoking his weed, and grinning real big. "Hhhm yes, Konan?"

"Yes darling?" said Konan, face curling up from the stench of the smoke. Much as she loved weed, she hated the smell of it, especially when she wasn't sitting in her man's lap smoking it with him. WTF, but she couldn't. She had more to do.

"Go recruit more, and buy me some chips and soda while you're at it."

"Speaking of food, when do I get my bran muffin?" asked Itachi, scowling real deep with his arms crossed to his chest. He wanted his fucking muffin damn it. Killing the clan was hard work. He needed some refreshment.

"Patience, Uchiha. Go get settled in your room, and a slave will bring you your bran muffin," he took a deep drag of his weed and breathed it out of his nose. "Bran, a truly evil flavor."

"Um, Pein, we haven't recruited any slaves yet."

"THEN FIND SOME, hahahahaha, and get me some chips. While you're at it, bitch, make me a sandwich," said Pein. Now, we've discussed Konan's strange aversion toward snake men, two-headed drag queens, and such. She also has a weird aversion toward being told to "BELIEVE IT" being told to "SHOOP DA WHOOP" and being told "BITCH, MAKE ME A SANDWICH." Pein knew this, and yet he let the weed impair his judgment.

So Konan smacked her bitch of a man up and his blunt flew out of his mouth. She picked it up, took a drag of it, and wanted Hot Fries like you wouldn't believe. Maybe she'd find those, some slaves, and one of the recruitables on her next journey. Let's just hope she's not too high to fly to the Bahamas instead.


	3. Chapter 3

"This chapter is weak. Why is it so weak? Because it lacks… a song!" said Itachi, noting the distinct lack of creativity on Tia's part. Goddamn, these songs just freakin come to me, maybe I wasn't feeling it today, Itachi! Maybe I just wasn't fucking feeling it! If you're so great then maybe you should be the one to sing Chapter 3's song, huh?

"Very well. It was my dream to be a professional vocalist before I killed the clan. Sasuke liked it when I sang the rubber duckie song to him," said Itachi, twirling around once until he was magically dressed like a rock star whore. You know, Deidara's boob shirt, tripp pants, kinky boots, and of course sun glasses. What started in the background wasn't any hot punk, j-rock, or emo music like the audience might have been expecting. It was much, much, much worse, much to the author's delight!

Lame 80's music began to blare, and Itachi began to sing! _"We're no strangers to looove. You know the rules, and so do I-I-I. A full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this far with any other guy. IIIIIII just wanna tell you how I'm feeling, gotta make you understand. NEVER GONNA GAH-"_

"I DID NOT JUST GET RICK ROLL'D BY FUCKING ITACHI OF ALL PEOPLE," said Hidan, holding Itachi's severed head in his hand. Well, that certainly could have gone smoother, but hey waitaminute! Itachi is an important part of this story! He can't be dead! Goddamnit, stupid Hidan! Now I have to spend this entire fanfic coming up with a way to resurrect him.

Or not. The head getting chopped thing was just an illusion. Hey, my bad! I'm just the author of this stupid fic, I can't see through genjutsu anymore than I can see through Itachi's pants (woe.)

In any case, we last left off with a stoned Konan on a mission to find hot fries, and Sasori of Red Sands. Well, you see, her trip didn't go so hot, because she ended up in Jamaica, and left about a hundred times more stoned after sealing up and pocketing a five-year supply of weed that would make any sucker join them. Then following that detour she took a wrong turn past Mars, and proceeded to be chased through the universe by Pac Man (her true bloodline limit ain't the paper thing, but the fact that she can BREATHE IN SPACE. HAH!) At one point she flew so fast she spiraled into a space-time warp that placed her in the middle of a horrible Dragon Ball Z scene. Vegeta proceeded to tell her for five hours straight how he was the prince of all Saiyajins and blahblahblah THE WEED WAS WEARING OFF, so she stole Goku's cheeseburger and munched on it as she entered the space-time warp that Bulma randomly invented for her. She wound up outside of a random convenience store a thousand miles west of the Sand Village. That cheeseburger almost hit the spot, but dangit she still wanted her hot fries, and she wanted them NOW. Konan kicked the door of the humble little store open with her foot and scanned the area for her motherfucking munchies. Hot fries first, then she'd get sour cream and onion chips for Peiny-poo. She'd also need Cola, which she would serve to him WARM because she was still mad about the sandwich thing! Then again, he might like that. Warm soda ranked amongst the most evil of evils, much like bran muffins, veggie burgers, kazoos, and sugar substitutes.

One epic paragraph later, it seemed to Konan that this little convenience store sold everything one could possibly consider evil, and a damn lot of junk food! The windows were caked over with dirt and rot, there were a few roaches the size of her fist meandering through the shelves, which would only change her mind about buying shit from here if it weren't all put in plastic, rather than card board. Besides, there were some manikin-puppet-things catching the roaches and crewing on them. Um. GROSS MUCH? Konan just wanted to get her shit and get out.

"What are you waiting for, an invitation? Buy something, or get out," a sudden deep voice from her left snapped. Konan turned toward the cashier, who was stout and chubby and… made of wood? He had angry eyes and apparently all the patience of a five year old with a candy bar dangled barely out of their reach. She wasn't very affected by rude men such as this one. She was, however, the co-leader to an evil organization that would someday reign glorious. She could have taken it, but she didn't HAVE to.

Her high was finally out of her system, leading her to the temperament of an enraged bull with rose tinted glasses. She slammed her hands on the counter, glared down at the puppet man, and gave him a little piece of her mind. "LOOK! In the last twenty-four hours I've been bitched at, chased, ranted to, AND CRAVING MOTHERFUCKING HOT FRIES, and I'm not admiring your little roach show there, so FUCK YOU and I'll take all the time I need."

"Someone's on her period," said the puppet man, not the least bit phased by her. His employees quivered in fear of her, until their boss turned around, glared, and "AHEM"d at them, and then they laughed at Konan. Their laughter was so weak that she paid it no mind. All her anger was directed at Sasori's inflammatory statement.

"Who do you think you are??" said Konan, and after that outburst she blushed a tad. It was very uncharacteristic of her to lose her cool, since generally she was the very calm, quiet, and kind product of Pein's desires. When far away from Pein, though, all she wanted to do was rip some fucking heads off some fucking shoulders. The fact that she had, indeed, started her period somewhere in the DBZ-verse didn't help.

"Sasori of Red Sands is my name. If you dare speak to me in that tone of voice again, girl, I will be forced to kill you, UNDERSTAND?"

Fuckinggoddamnshit, how could she not recognize him?? Oh, well, the only picture she had of him was the one she stole from Orochimaru while he wasn't watching. She wanted to purge him of his perverse collection as much as humanly possible. Somewhere in there was a red head, no older than ten. In the picture he was on both knees in the Sand, bawling his eyes out for some reason. The only reason she guessed it was him was the name scribbled on the back. Why Orochimaru carried around a picture of adorable little weepy Sasori? Well, aside from him being a total pedo, the world may never know.

"Are you really who you say you are?" asked Konan, her voice more calm, her face more passive. The hot fries would have to wait, because this conversation meant everything. It appeared Sasori had employees as well, which could be a useful addition to Akatsuki. After all, they lacked underlings and slaves! Every evil organization needed some damn slaves, because albeit brilliant, Pein was a lazy, lazy man.

"Who's asking?" said Sasori, whipping out a scorpion-like tail out of nowhere. The tip of it was pointed between her eyes, and she had a hunch that it'd do more than just sting a little. Unfortunately for him, her paper jutsu was a natural defense against poison. If wet, she could wring anything but oils out of her paper, including poisons! It was weird, but somehow it worked. Sasori could still kill her, though. It was done if that huge tail was thrust through her vitals.

"My name is Konan, and it appears that business isn't booming in the middle of the desert," she said, noting the distinct lack of customers. She strode along the visible portion of the potato chip isle and found Pein's very favorite flavor. She had a fond smile on her face, since sour cream and onion chips was how they'd become so close. When they were just kids they shared a bag of these when Pein found her crying in the dirt. That was how they met, and they'd been in love ever since. It was so sweet that, if this were any other Naruto couple the author would be puking her brains out by now, but I digress.

"Sasori-san, you're wasted out here. You need change," said Konan, picking out the cola. She was so giddy from her happy memory that she considered cancelling her vengeance. Maybe she wouldn't serve it to him warm after all. He was, after all, just a silly man. All men are idiots. They're just born that way. She was so immersed in thoughts of Pein that she lost track of what she was saying, and thus raised Sasori's suspicion. That wasn't good.

Finally, she found the hot fries she so craved, but before she could take them off the shelf, Sasori's long, wooden tail coiled around her ankle, yanked her upside down towards him, and he dangled her over the counter upside down. She dropped all of her stuff, hit her head on the way down, and knew that soda was going to explode once opened. Oh well, stupid as Pein was, that didn't mean he had to get away with it. Instead of warm soda, she would serve him explosive soda!

That was, if Sasori let her walk out alive. This wasn't very promising. It didn't help that she couldn't think straight when she suspected that the back of her skull was now cracked.

"I'll give you five seconds to quit beating around the bush and tell me what the hell it is that you want with me. Exactly who are you, Konan?" said Sasori, looking angry enough to bite her head off. Did this man have no patience, or did he have no patience, damn!

"I'm the co-leader of Akatsuki, an organization of S-ranked criminals bent on taking over the world and making it a better place. I've come to recruit you for our caus-ouchmyhead! We… we need slaves, and munchies, and… talen-taaah!" said Konan, unable to take another bang to the head via countertop. She was so dizzy she was almost blinded by the spinning images that surrounded her.

"Time's up!" Sasori whipped her body back and she crashed none too softy into a dusty candy rack.

A roach beside her ear chittered, and Konan frowned and said, "What are YOU laughing at?" She did everything she could to stay conscious, and succeeded, but how long she would last against this monster she couldn't tell. Sasori was horribly abusive, and she wasn't sure she liked abusive men. Was he like this to everyone, or just women? Just in case, she'd have to team him with a really girly man, so if he needed to abuse something resembling a woman it wouldn't be her. What lo, all the men on their list of recruitables were oh so manly, or ugly, or inhuman.

She had a better idea, then. She'd pair him with Orochimaru! Though he didn't resemble a woman (at least not a beautiful one) by any stretch of the term, he was certainly abusable. She took a sudden liking to Sasori, and would take a sadistic beating or two if it caused great discomfort to Orochimaru.

"What are you smiling about, bitch? You think you've won, or something? I didn't say I would join your band idiots, you know" said Sasori, in a voice that suggested impending doom. Konan wouldn't lose to him! In fact, she knew just how she was going to get him to join. After all, manly men didn't like having their pride wounded, be they human, puppet, or otherwise. "Give me one good reason why I should join this organization of yours, rather than just kill you and make you into a masterpiece."

Konan had the tiniest of tiny smirks on her face as she pulled a photo out of her pocket. It was of the ten year old red-head weeping in the sand ever so sadly. She saw his eyelids go UP, and if he had a jaw underneath that mask it probably fell. Oh yeah, baby. She had his attention. Now to avoid the intent to kill that would crash over into his eyes next. "This was a photograph taken by a wicked man named Orochimaru, whom I despise more than anything in this world. He was one of the legendary Sannin of the Leaf village, and much to my dismay also a part of our organization.

"Your position, should you choose to accept it, is to be partnered with him. From there, I'd love nothing more than for you to keep an eye on him, and make his life the biggest possible living hell you can. Yes, you can even kill him if you want. In fact, PLEASE DO."

Konan sighed, and shut her eyes. That was all she had, and should Sasori decide to murder her on the spot, then hunt down Orochimaru and kill him for invading his tortured childhood anyway, then that's the way it was going to be. She said she was the co-leader of Akatsuki with a rather unique immunity to poisons. She never said she was the world's most physically adept ninja. She was perhaps good enough to be a Jounin level ninja, but most Akatsuki member excelled beyond your run of the mill Jounin, Sasori especially.

He never did kill her, though. When she cracked open her eyes, she noticed that all the junk food in the store had disappeared, and Sasori pocketed a scroll titled "The Damn Goods." Next he killed the three men there for his own sick amusement, claiming that they were the most worthless workers he ever had the misfortune of laying his eyes upon. She assumed he must have had hundreds just like them at his disposal, so she wasn't concerned about him killing what could have been perfectly good slaves. Lastly, he turned to Konan and asked, "Where do we go from here?"

"You accept?" she asked.

Sasori rolled his eyes and sighed. "No, I'm abandoning this worthless job for shits and giggles," said Sasori, whipping his pointed tail about. Perhaps it would be best just to do everything he says, and answer every question he has. "I know exactly who Orochimaru is, and I won't tell you anymore than that." He didn't need to. Konan had a very unfortunate and disturbed guess, not that Sasori's expression offered even the tiniest guess of how he knew Orochimaru. "When it's necessary, and I'll be the one to decide when it is, I will personally dispose of him."

"Great. Great!" said Konan, clapping her palms together. The Akatsuki base was, she estimated, about two thousand miles from where they were. Her face fell. There was NO WAY she was carrying that huge ass puppet all the way back to base with her.

"What's your problem?" asked Sasori. She suddenly noticed that throughout their whole exchange Sasori's lips didn't move once, so she guessed that the scorpion-like puppet wasn't his true form. This gave her an idea.

"Sasori, if you'd like to get to the base quickly then I'm going to have to ask you to get out of the puppet and put it away," said Konan, and he didn't seem too sure about her intentions at first. Then again, he wasn't sure of much of anything these days. This was one the few things he just kind of went along with. Life as a convenience store manager was pretty damn boring in the desert, so this was his big chance to make something awesome and exciting happen with his art. He would never wait for excitement again!

"Very perceptive of you, woman. Very well, then." It took a minute, but from the puppet emerged a boy who barely looked older than Itachi, and somehow she thought he was supposed to be much, much older. Apparently she was wrong, or was she? It took her a second, but when she noticed the joints on his arms were configured like a handmade doll of some sort, she knew Sasori used the forbidden jutsu of the Sand Village on himself. Immortality in the form of a puppet. She never understood the appeal of immortality really, but kudos to him for going through with. She heard the procedure was unacceptably painful.

Sasori sealed his outer puppet, Hiruko, away and awaited Konan's next move. The two of them stepped out of the quaint little store, and she formed her wings of paper. It was a little difficult, given the amount of energy she wasted on the way here, and the possible concussion she got from Sasori's abuse. Good thing he had the whole store's supply of hot fries sealed away, because she'd be eating them while smoking a big, fat blunt later.

"This'll take a few hours. I suggest you take a nap, or something," said Konan, heaving the puppet into her arms. He was delightfully light, unlike Itachi, so this would take no time. Pein had better appreciate this, because she killed many birds with one stone, and only almost lost her life in the process. She got them weed, and by recruiting Sasori she got them slaves, munchies, and, well, Sasori. He, too, was not hard on the eyes, but he was such a rotten person! Not at all cute like Itachi! She needed some aspirin pretty soon, too.

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Back at what was the new mansion of the Akatsuki in the mountains, Pein and his old anti-war buddy Kakuzu sat in the brand new game room, product alla Kakuzu, and played Blackjack. This was one of Kakuzu's favorite things to do, because Pein sucked at every possible card game you can think of, and he ALWAYS LOST. Well, except against Konan, but that's only because we all know she lets him win. It's her job, amongst other things.

Anyway, it was difficult to find employment as rogue bounty hunter without a famous name. Pein made the new Akatsuki sound so badass (though Kakuzu has yet to find the swimming pool of blood in the basement) so he decided, eh. If they were stupid enough to think they could recruit Sasori of Red Sands, and really DID recruit that kid that massacred the best clan in the Leaf village, then he decided it was a worthwhile little adventure. Still, there was one detail that bugged Kakuzu beyond belief, and he fully intended to weasel his way out of it if he could.

"I must warn you, Pein, that if you pair me up with anyone and they end up pissing me off, they're dead. It would be much more appropriate to let me work on my own," said Kakuzu, growling at his cards. Like any respectable member of evil and unjust, Kakuzu very much hated people. Now, Pein needed Akatsuki members desperately, and it took his one carrier pigeon to contact Kakuzu and get him over here. Initially agreeing to a game of cards, Kakuzu came right over! Little did he expect to be roped into this, but what's done is done. On the bright side, Pein was in a pinch, so Kakuzu could set some very specific boundaries, such as not being paired with, say, someone like that late tard like Franko who could only say words like "Durp" and "Cheeseweasel." It didn't take long for Kakuzu to decide that Franko needed to be killed. VIOLENTLY.

"That won't do, Kakuzu. Everyone must have a partner!" said Pein, slamming his fist into his palm. "That's one of the only two rules that everyone must abide by! Or I'll get mad. Me help the poor soul who angers God."

Kakuzu sighed. There Pein went with the whole God thing again.

"What's the other rule?" he asked, at least knowing and respecting that horrible things happened when Pein's toes were stepped on. He didn't want to suffer injury. Healing wounds costs money! That is precisely why he trained himself to sew his own severed limbs back on and things like that. He was too stingy to see a doctor. Pein would make sure he was well injured enough not to die, but to have to see a doctor. Kakuzu hated doctors. They always smelled funny, and they never did their job right. Worst of all, they were expensive!

"No ogling, hitting on, or sleeping with my Konan!" Pein shouted, pointing at Kakuzu as though he were thinking of doing just that. Kakuzu wouldn't think of it in a million years. In fact, he had a theory that made him twitch. Would fucking Konan give a man's junk paper cuts? Um. Ow. Oww. OWW. In short, Kakuzu wasn't even remotely interested. In fact, if he feared nothing else in the entire world, he feared that. And bankruptcy. Well, not really. If he went bankrupt then he'd just steal money from the rich and keep it for himself. Life as a greedy bastard was the shit.

Kakuzu felt the need to plead his case farther, so he pointed to the plant-like man tending to the bonsai tree in the corner. "Oh yeah, well where's his partner?"

"Oh, Zetsu? His partner is his black half. They're two men in one," said Pein, completely unfazed when he lost at Blackjack for the 37th time in a row. Emphasis on the fact that NO ONE sucked at cards more than Pein. He would lose to freakin Tsunade if they ever met! He was, however, not feeling very chipper. He missed Konan. She did so much for him, and he never thanked her. He would, but he's the Akatsuki leader. He's too great to thank even his lover.

He'd just have to give her mind-blowing sex in thanks, and make all the guys jealous that he, Leader-sama (aka God), is the only one who gets to bang the dame in Akatsuki! They would all have to resort to becoming gay for each other and release their pent up sexual frustrations that way. The world needed more gay people, anyway. The more gay people there were, the less children would be born. The less children were born, the less they would be orphaned by something as meaningless as war. Of course this made Pein a hypocrite, but he was a fucking GOD for Pein's sake! It was totally OK if HE was a hypocrite.

Speaking of God and religious type things, there came a rapping at the mansion door. "Tis some visitor," Pein muttered, "tapping at my mansion door –"

"Well, answer it, dumbass," said Kakuzu. There was nothing in the Akatsuki rules that stated that he needed to speak to Pein respectfully. Naturally, Pein didn't budge from his seat. He was far too great, way too lazy. Normally Konan was here to answer the door, but she was busy doing Pein's bidding elsewhere. Oh cruel world, and all the people who make Pein STAND UP.

His attempt to stand, however, was sadly pathetic. So much so that Kakuzu threw his hands in the air, got up, and answered it for him. On the bright side this could always be a door-to-door sale's person. Kakuzu loved to kill people like this more than anyone else in the world. Solicitors were the absolute worst kind of people, as well as stupid little girl scouts and their expensive little cookies. Hmm, yes, those were also fun to kill.

"Who the fuck are you and what the fuck do you want??" said Kakuzu, yanking the door open as he cursed out their little visitor. It turned out to be some strange looking albino man, dressed in all black and holding… a Bible? No, Bibles don't have spikes on their spines.

"Greetings, evil doers. May Jashin be with us all on this wonderful, fucking day!" said the man, flipping through his evil book of evil, and stopping on some random page. From there, he proceeded to growl out some Jashinist hymn that made Kakuzu and Pein's ears bleed. Through the man's demonic singing, Kakuzu was able to pick up phases such as "I lit your baby on fire" and "Kittens taste like cheese." It was not only the most horrific ear-drum abuse that has ever been Kakuzu's misfortune to suffer, but the song (song?) was just damn stupid. He couldn't take another second of it, even if it just started.

Kakuzu used his threads as many meters of rope and bound Hidan's body with them, causing Hidan to drop his book and his scythe. Kakuzu didn't hesitate for a moment to take that scythe into his own hands and cleave that crazy fucker's head off.

As the creepy man's head rolled across the brand new carpet, Kakuzu said, "I'm not paying for that. I did you a favor."

"Indeed, but if Konan were here she would have killed him faster," said Pein with a huff. In times like Hidan's singing, he wished he were Itachi roll'd instead (oh, the irony.) At least Itachi attempted to carry a tune.

"Shiiiiit! Where's the fucker that cut my head off!? I'll bite your fucking ankles off, you twisted fuckbag!" screamed the severed head from the corner, trying to roll itself over so it could see Kakuzu and Pein. Kakuzu's eyes nearly flew out of his head. Pein glared at him.

"Yes, you will pay for my stained carpet, Kakuzu. You didn't kill him," he said, scratching his chin. "Hey Head, why aren't you dead?" Pein was the only one who laughed at his own rhyme. Kakuzu was pissed that he had to PAY for blood spill rather than be PAID for it. Zetsu was busy sniffing the headless body, trying to ascertain what flavor it would be. Chicken? Pork? Magikarp? Oh, the possibilities.

"Don't eat that just yet!" Pein commanded Zetsu. Then he turned toward Mr. Head. "My friend here will eat your body if you don't answer my question, Head."

"MY NAME IS HIDAN, FUCKER, NOT HEAD," responded Hidan, still unable to flip himself over. It wasn't easy being a severed head. "And I'm not dead because I am immortal!! Jashin-sama has granted me this gift. If you would have let me finish my hymn you would have known that, you bloody heathens! You guys just don't appreciate the beauty of the only true religion!"

"Immortal?" said Pein. He turned to Kakuzu with a smirk, and the stingy man looked at him in utter terror. He knew where this was going, and he didn't like it one bit. "Say, Kakuzu, I think I've just found you the perfect partner."

"Ah fuck," said Kakuzu, knowing this would be the world's biggest nightmare. Fate kind of had it out for him ever since he stole the hearts of his opponents. One of them must have had really bad luck, because first business in his life wasn't booming, and now this! He'd kill Hidan if he could, but obviously he couldn't. What a gyp!

"I'll cut you a deal, Hidan," said Pein. "Join my evil organization Akatsuki and my friend Zetsu won't eat you.

"I don't imagine you'd enjoy spending eternity as a pile of plant man doody, would you?"

"Well fuck, whatever gave you that idea? And what man over five years old uses the word 'doody', goddamn!" said Hidan, knowing he was trapped. Sometimes immortality was definitely a curse more than a blessing, not that he would ever tell his precious Jashin-sama that. It took him a moment, but once he was certain that evil organizations weren't on Jashin's list of no-noes, he accepted Pein's proposition.

"And don't you dare sing! If you sing, you die," said Kakuzu, picking Hidan's head up off the floor by the hair. The Jashinist bitched, and flailed, and screamed about the pain, oh the pain. Kakuzu wondered if it was bothering Hidan, or if he got off on pain, yeesh!

"You tried to kill me, and you failed!" said Hidan, as Kakuzu sewed the other man's head back on with his body strings. Well, this was just a fucking pile of ass right here. He had been appointed the partner who was perhaps his new least favorite person in the world, all for the sake of making good money. Oooh, money. The chipper jingling of coins, the wondrous rippling of bills. Oh, and the smell that was so distinctively money was positively delightful. Some people often thought Kakuzu got off on money, and in a way he did. Money bought bitches! Hell, money bought everything! Money made him happy.

So he would put up with Hidan for happiness. It was all good. With these thoughts in mind he could stay happy for awhile. That was, until a sudden slam from the other side of the room roused him from his pleasant stupor. Never mind Hidan, because whoever made that noise was now Kakuzu's new least favorite person ever.

Some hyper idiot in an orange mask ran out from the back room and toward Pein.

"Leader-sama! Leader-sama! Tobi has a secret to tell only you. Secret! Come with me right now. C'mon."


End file.
